Would you agree if I told that if human beings were not such emotional creatures, the world would perhaps be a more rational place? If only we could learn not to follow our hearts too much and instead follow our heads, perhaps most tragedies in the world might be able to be prevented. The wars of the past centuries would probably might have not been sparked if only the leaders would follow their heads and let go of the vengence in their hearts. They would probably be able to see through the hatred shrouding their hearts and realize the impact of their irresponsible actions on others.

This,most unfortunately, applies to our modern society too, of course. Take for example, me. If only I could follow what my head says and choose a safer route, then perhaps I don't have to be so troubled now. But then again I was born human (fortunately or not), and human beings are generally creatures who prefer to follow the rhythm of their atria and ventricles rather than to follow the central nervous system. So there goes. I followed my heart.

And yet, I still could not reach what I want. See? Told you I should have followed my head. I wished my heart told me what to do after i followed it down the road less taken. Do I continue walking or stop after what I was looking for was nowhere to be found? How long is this freaking road anyway?? Most importantly,where does it lead to?

However, taking this path of the unknown taught me a few things about myself I never knew was there. In simpler terms, I shock myself again and again after venturing down this path. I'm actually enjoying the things I see as I journey alone. It's mostly all the little things that I notice and enjoy. You can even call it pointless if you like, but I do it anyway. Sigh, who knows what they might lead to.  And as if I was looking down at my body being controlled by someone else, the way I react to things I encounter along this path also seemed so unfamiliar. Perhaps it's the inner me, bursting at its seams after hiding for so long. Guess all I can do is to enjoy the little things and wait for what that awaits me at the end of it. It might be a dead end, but along the way I will be able to at least gain something back I guess, small or big, pointless or not.

And I always thought I was someone who succeeds at choosing to follow my head over my heart most of the time.

This time it proves I'm just the same.

Currently feeling: indescribable

Wasn't it just only recently that i was lamenting how much i've been shocking myself these days. But i guess what i did last thursday tops the list. And as time passes, my feelings about it change in every second that passes by. Only the night before yesterday was i thinking about it until i woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep in the dead of the night (if u ask anyone who's close to me, you'll know how rare that happens). There was an ache in me that just couldn't stop threatening to drive my mind up the wall; something that i've come to learnt to accept as the ache of missing someone. Oh my gawd, what have I got myself into? When I was with him I couldn't breathe, drowned by the feeling of being glad that i'm finally out with him alone. The day spent with him was simply nice. He took me out for a movie we've both seen before because it was all there was in the new cinema, but we didn't complain. In the darkness of the cinema, our hands linked together, every finger settling comfortably into place like puzzle pieces. and not to mention, my first kiss was given away. bottomline, it felt so good that day. Then the next day i ache all over from missing him. And then now, i find myself beating myself up. I feel like i'm crashing into some pithole and i couldn't seem to control myself. Or maybe I can but i just don't want to. I thank him for being honest with me on why he wants to take things slowly,which makes me wonder if we've met earlier, would we have started earlier on already? And I hate myself for being so soft-hearted. If he says he wants to take things slow, then what the heck is with all these? Why am i allowing myself to do this when he is actually not a real someone to me? It's not like i didn't try to talk things through with him, but i just always allow him to escape without a proper answer every single time. Oh, i dunno really. Sometimes I hope I would just go on living like this, oblivious and ignorant to it all,lying to myself, but sometimes I wish i could just let go.

I really do. But i just can't.

So now i'm just hanging on by a thread, to whatever he's holding on to me from.

XXX All grown up. Sorta, I guess. But still not quite.